Goodbye HELLO!

Tomorrow will be 5 months to the day that I decided to delete my facebook account having the feeling that it was not a productive force in my life at that time. 5 is a number I associate with change so feels suitable that after 5 months away, I change my perspective and feel drawn to use again this tool, with a different focus this time. 

What have I observed over the last 5 months? It was not difficult for me to remove myself from facebook BUT I didn't in some magical way suddenly find myself with all the time in the world I was looking for, to do the things I wanted to! Some part of me, when deleting the account hoped that now I would instantly be catapulted into a highly creative state, motivated and active in all ways! Certainly this was not a result of the action of not using facebook anymore for me. Over these last months I have been in incubation in a sense and definitely at first, my energy was focused only on myself and Noah and the day to day life of having a toddler by my side. There was no pressure from myself, on myself to be or do anything other than a mother to Noah and to also find space to keep my own energy strong. From this place my intuition has been guiding me more and more towards the places I want to go next in my life, things have been getting really clear recently and I feel an exciting new chapter emerging. 

Diet and Nutrition have always been a big part of my life. Initially the association was oppressive, I had an addiction and it was all consuming. I thought about food all the time, wrote down every little mouthful I ate in the hope it would somehow make me thinner or less obsessed with controlling what I was eating and for 10 years or so I also used bulimia as a way of escaping the fear I had of food... I used it as my way to take back control. I don't for one second think that my eating patterns were down to only wanting to have my body looking a certain way, there were deeper reasons for sure and a lot to do with self worth and feeling I could never be 'enough' as I was. Gradually, after coming to a point where I thought I would die from this illness, I broke the habit and over the time from then until now I have been steadilly transforming this pain into power. Everyday I feel more mindful about the food I eat and often there is a smiling glance back over my shoulder to the place I was before... a prisoner to food... Now I don't always finish my plate feeling unsatisfied, thinking about what I will eat next AND I can have sweet things in the house and not twitch around thinking about them constantly until I lose the will and run to the fridge to devour the lot without a breath! I eat what I want when I want now with absolutely no tension in my body. I eat things that make me feel happy and it just so happens that over time the things I love have become healthier and healthier. This is a reflection of the journey I am also on within myself. The more I value and appreciate the person I am, the more I love and accept myself exactly the way I am now, the more I naturally nurture my body with the foods and thoughts that it needs and thrives on. I can appreciate that this has been a long process for me and in that I have realized there really are no shortcuts with this type of thing... or anything in life as a matter of fact! 
Over January whilst I was in the UK my awareness was overloaded with images and messages of dieting and losing weight. It was everywhere! Billboards, Supermarkets, Newspapers, Magazines... and on everyones lips too. It felt like in all the places I was, there were women (mainly) discussing their disappointment with themselves for having not yet lost the weight they wanted to by this moment in time. It was crossing all age ranges, I had a conversation with a lady aged 67 who was very pleased with herself for having lost a bit of her 'tum' by not eating cake and cheese for a few weeks and then we were joined by her very envious friend of around the same age who just couldn't manage to stop with the bread, chocolate and wine. I overheard a woman in a burka on the phone to a friend describing detailed ways of reducing calorie intake to 1200 per day and a group of women in Carluccios devouring huge bowls of pasta talking about how impossible it was to follow the diet. Just a snapshot here, but many many more instances have surrounded me since the new year of people having big problems with losing weight. This is where I focus some attention now with the work I do! I will be sharing methods and practices from my own experience here, things which have greatly helped me on my journey so far... I know they can help others too. If you or anyone you know is having problems with their weight or health, specifically related to food choices and habits, please keep up with this blog and direct others here. It is my intention to support others in redirecting this energy the way that I have done myself to a life of greater freedom and joy in ALL things!

Want to know what you want....

One thing I love the most is reading a book for the second time and finding it makes a complete different sense to me after the time has passed since last reading it. And then the third and fourth times, also showing me something completely new. The words were there before, but what I feel each time is a reflection of the path I am and have been walking. Sometimes I will open a book on a page, wherever I am drawn to.... I know this always brings me guidance (some books are better than others for this mind you!) and just a while ago I opened one book which gave me guidance leading to a huge inner shift and following an almost instant outer shift in my life.
I had been finding myself feeling like something was missing, I was doing many of the things I always wanted to do, but every time walked away feeling like there had to be more... something more, something which felt more fulfilling to me. This was also reflecting in my relationship. I was projecting many of my feelings about myself and my path onto my partner, being a bit bi-polar... one minute in love with me and him and the next feeling dead inside to both. It was at a time when I was about to leave him (again) that I decided to open the book to really get a hold on the situation, I wasn't fully trusting myself, and in reflection, rightly so as it turned out I was basing my truth on temporary feelings which probably came from beliefs given to me by someone else.
The chapter I read spoke to me about longing, about wanting for something that I didn't have, about the creative power of the thoughts I was thinking which were delivering me the emptiness and longing for more which I was experiencing in all that I did. It was a big bash round the head from that book! Interesting, because I 'knew' these things... I spoke about these things to others but at those times when we are really in the experience of the ideas, when we are cracked open by living, we have the opportunity to feel it all for ourselves and move through patterns if we wish.
After reading this and recognizing this 'Want' mentality within myself I created a meditation and affirmation for 2 wants I had already noticed. Maybe you guess the end of this particular story because it is that obvious! It really worked for me and shifted instantly my feelings about different projects I had and brought me much more connection with many people around me, even bringing more people into my life who I connected with on many different levels... Excited me to know more places where I was holding myself back by wanting for something.

Here is the meditation I used for you to do for yourself (If you want!);

First, think of something you repetitively find yourself wanting for. Not the basic stuff like a piece of cake or a new iphone; something deeper that you find yourself feeling is missing from your life. Some examples; 'I want to be happy', 'I want work which fulfills me', 'I want harmony in my relationship', 'I want more friends', 'I want more money', 'I want to be successful', 'I want to be healthier', 'I want to be more confident', 'I want to find peace'. By wanting any of these or whatever else you may think of for yourself, you are ordering that the universe deliver you more of that WANTING! Not actually deliver you the object of your longing.

After identifying your biggest and most pressing want, change it in words. For example; I changed, 'I want to be happy' to 'I am happy' and 'I want to be fulfilled' to 'everything I do leads me to greater and greater fulfillment'. I read somewhere that any affirmation like this has to be at least 50‰ believable to you. So if you can't believe an 'I am....' statement then try a 'everything I do brings me closer to.....'

Then, once in a space of meditation... after relaxing your body, watching your breath, sinking inwards. Visualise, imagine, bring into mind your higher self. Noticing how your higher self looks, the expression, the posture, notice everything you can about that highest version of yourself. Watch as you now allow your higher self to state the affirmations you previously wrote. With confident command, as many times as feels right, until it begins to feel really good to you. Continuing to notice everything you can about the way your higher self is behaving, looking and being. Then visualize, imagine, sense that higher self merging with your energy now. Notice how that feels in your body. Know that whenever you use the affirmation following this you can begin to create a pathway to your higher energy.

Slowly coming back to where you are. Notice how you are feeling after that. Notice noticing.

Often the meditation won't even be necessary, Just recognizing the wants can be enough to shift certain things, without any further action it seems!

Next cake will be inspired by this!

http://www.sweetlyraw.com/2012/10/raw-caramel-apple-cheesecake.html

Maca business.

Ok, I have to write you a post about the wonder of Maca. Maca is a superfood which comes in powder form to add to smoothies, juices, cakes... basically anything raw and unheated. I sometimes add to porridge too if its not too hot. It's known as an adaptogen which means it helps the body to adapt, to all kinds of stresses... physical, mental, emotional. It also increases your vitality. I have witnessed miracles with this stuff! It is also a great way to increase fertility and is said to double the rate in both men and women. I recently gave some to a friend who had been trying for a baby for a long time and the next step was conventional IVF fertility treatment. However after only a few weeks taking half a teaspoon a day she was finally pregnant! 
I have started taking again recently as I was feeling the effects of very little sleep and busy days and found I was just not sleeping when I got to bed at night because I was so high on adrenaline keeping me awake to get through the day. After a week taking 1/2 teaspoon a day, then 2 days off then a second week increasing to a small teaspoon per day I am sleeping again fine and have a much more relaxed feeling energy than before in super hyper mother mode! I think it's great for Mothers of young children as anyone with a busy schedule... If you are still breastfeeding, though do take it slowly and observe your baby while increasing gradually... when Noah was 4 months old I found he was too small and turned into a small dinosaur on the days I would take it. Now he is getting towards 11 months and I am feeding him less I have observed no effects at all. Give it a try and see how you feel! It is also said to be a mild aphrodisiac so have fun!

Divinely restored, guided and heard.

Walking this evening in the beautiful Sintra after a day at a Quinta with my little family, swimming, walking, eating, surrounded by huge old trees and wild mint in the grass, (giving the most deliciously sweet smell when warmed by the sun), animals all around I was feeling peaceful and a little bit keen to get home. I'm surviving on ultra minimal sleep right now, somehow getting through... nature most definitely restores me but by the end of the day I'm more than ready to drop into bed with my boys. Last night was more or less sleepless too since a huge mosquito decided to join the gang and I was on my mission to persuade the guest out of the room for most of the night and early morning... 

Anyhow, on this particular Rua in Sintra there are many stalls selling lovely handmade things. I always stop to look. So inspiring these people making things and selling their art themselves... dream catchers, paintings of Portugal, clothes and jewellery. I look but never buy! Today Miguels mother saw me looking and offered to buy. She loves to offer to buy things for us all. She is a generous soul and I have always said no. "Fiona, what would you like? I want to buy something for you" I went in to my usual reply " No, no... thank you, so kind of you but I don't need anything, you do so much for us... really no... so kind but I don't want anything", I usually have to say this minimum three times before she looks disappointed and stops or Miguel has to intervene and stop the exchange himself. Today after my first reply I found myself picking up pace and being delivered to a stall of really beautiful looking handmade jewellery with stones of all different colours... I looked over the stall once and was instantly drawn to a bracelet which I quickly put on and a necklace which I put around my neck soon after. Wow, I was in love. I accepted both and left feeling like these things were made for me and Miguels Mum was so happy too, so happy to have been able to express her love this way... made a lovely end to the day for all of us. It feels good to allow the flow to switch, it feels good to change the autopilot response too.

When getting home I researched the stones that the maker of the jewellery had told me she used... all blues and turquoises in colour. I was warmed to read that all were responsible for opening the heart and throat, bringing prosperity and cleansing negative energies attached to the person. I was then so happy to see this! Over the last days I have been directing my prayers to the divine mother. I have asked her for a gentle hand opening my heart and to bring power and authenticity to my self expression. I have been inspired to direct my prayer to her since meeting a powerful being called Sondra Ray. I was lucky enough to have a 'liberation breathing' session with her and her husband recently and experienced something more deep than any other healing or therapy or book or medicine or anything I've had ever before! (and I've done a few!!!) Serious stuff!!! I have been reading her book and I've been moved by the experiences that she shares... every time I read the book before bed, my dreams are so lucid! Somehow I feel that just connecting with her through her writing in some way activates parts of me... i don't know... it's powerful reading for me anyway. I will add the link to the book here too. 

I also then remembered that we picked up some Hawthorn from a bush in the Quinta today too. I didn't think Hawthorn grew here in Portugal! Hawthorn is a powerful heart tonic and as well as physically healing the heart, is also though to energetically nurture her too. I feel the hand guiding me now. Feeling her hand guiding me right this minute.... to the kitchen to brew some heart opening tea from these branches and leaves she provided!!! 

This all reminds me that with prayer, it's so damn important to remember what you pray for! Often we forget... Its so amazing when you see them unfolding, when you feel that connection. I expect miracles! I expect magic and I love drinking tea in my amazing new jewellery. Big up to the divine mother for hearing me, sending me to nature to absorb the greenness and bringing me everything I need to answer my prayers.

http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Your-World-Divine-Mother/dp/1930722753/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406502620&sr=8-1&keywords=rock+your+world+with+the+divine+mother